


Ice

by quaeamissaest



Series: Post Civil War Thoughts [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-27 19:59:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17773304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quaeamissaest/pseuds/quaeamissaest
Summary: A companion piece for to Come BackLyrics from "Ice" by Sarah McLaughlan from the album Fumbling Towards Ecstasy





	Ice

**Author's Note:**

> Tony's point of view post civil war

_The ice is thin come on dive in_  
_Underneath my lucid skin_  
_The cold is lost forgotten_

 

Siberia is fucking cold. Really fucking cold.

After Steve left, he sagged on his knees and allowed himself to slide down until he is lying on his back, the injuries finally overtaking the adrenaline. His chest is on fire, the line where the shield came down on him like a hellish brand. He had both felt and heard the artificial sternum break, along with several ribs as his chest caved in under the assault of vibranium. He could feel the titanium alloy of his shredded armor piercing his skin, the blood pooling and turning cold.

He was dying.

His suit is dead, his comms are dead, and he is cut off from the world.  He came here to help and was betrayed, lied to, and beaten. Betrayed by the man he had thought of as a friend and companion. A man who shared his bed and said he loved him.

He closed his eyes and waited for it to be over.

  
_Hours pass days pass time stands still_  
_Light gets dark and darkness fills_  
_My secret heart forbidden_

 

He is in and out of consciousness, each time it seems harder and harder to resurface. He wants this to be over, he doesn’t want to go through all of this again. The surgeries, the rehab, the dire prognostications about his life expectancy and limitations. Death would be better, and certainly less painful. He wouldn’t have to think about the look on Steve’s face as he hit him, over and over, finally straddling him and shoving that fucking shield into his chest. He wouldn’t have to think about the idea that everything he thought they had had could be so easily thrown away. He wouldn’t have to think about the fact that Steve had lied to him, kept such a vital secret from him for so many years.

He was drifting again, being carried down a long corridor. He was dying, and it was a relief.

  
_I think you worried for me then_  
_The subtle ways that I'd give in but I know_  
_You liked the show_  
_Tied down to this bed of shame_  
_You tried to move around the pain but oh_  
_Your soul is anchored_

 

It had been Vision and Rhodey who had found him, in a coma, hours away from death. They had taken him to a hospital, where he had woken up after 6 days and then spent a few weeks listening to the doctors talk about the dislocated shoulder, the internal bleeding, the new chest reconstruction, heart and lung damage, and the replacement of the arc reactor to keep his heart going. He didn’t speak as they talked, didn’t ask questions. He simply stared at the wall and listened, and when they left, he continued to stare at the wall. He was sorry they had found him.

 

 _The only comfort is the moving of the river_  
_You enter into me, a lie upon your lips_  
_Offer what you can, I'll take all that I can get_  
_Only a fool's here_

 

When he was finally released from the hospital, he began to improve the reactor, integrating nanites to ensure that he would never be vulnerable again. He rarely spoke these days, preferring his own company and spending days at a time in the workshop, developing, improving. Tony would never deny that he had made mistakes, had contributed to the chaos, and he would have to carry that burden.

He heard about Steve’s “rescue” of the imprisoned team and chose to do nothing.

Then came the phone, and the letter.

  
_I don't like your tragic sighs_  
_As if your god has passed you by well hey fool_  
_That's your deception_  
_Your angels speak with jilted tongues_  
_The serpent's tale has come undone you have no_  
_Strength to squander_

 

He was furious, so angry, hurt and saddened by Steve’s rationale of his actions. He had been so sure he knew what was right, that he never bothered to listen to anyone else. He didn’t see what was going on in the world around him, how the tide was changing against the Avengers, against all enhanced and super-powered people. He had tried to explain, again and again, but Steve had simply crossed his arms over his chest, set his jaw, and insisted that he knew best. Steve had never understood that sometimes you have to work from within, to make some concessions in order to keep the whole intact.

In the end it had all come down to one simple thing, Steve didn’t trust him. He had proven that undeniably by not telling him the truth about his parents.

  
_The only comfort is the moving of the river_  
_You enter into me, a lie upon your lips_  
_Offer what you can, I'll take all that I can get_

 

In a way he did understand Steve’s desire to keep some part of his past. He knew how hard it had been for him to wake up in this century alone and lost. He had thought he had helped with that to an extent, that was what he had told him. But then again, Steve had proved that he knew how to lie. Even after everything started to go to hell in Germany, he had tried to reason with Steve, he had begged him to listen, but he had set his feet on a path, and refused to move an inch.  

  
_Only a fool's here to stay_

 

As he sat by the window, watching the rain pummel the compound, holding that stupid letter and that insult of a phone, he realized something. It was a truth he hated but couldn’t deny.

_  
Only a fool's here to stay_

He still loved Steve, and he always would. He would always carry that love inside him, and he would always carry the betrayal. His heart would never be whole again. He had experienced betrayal before, with Howard, with Obie, and so many others. He had sworn that he would never allow himself to be vulnerable again, never give anyone the opportunity to betray him. Steve had broken down his defenses, told him it was okay to trust, and had committed the most hurtful betrayal of all.

 

_Only a fool's here_

 

 He stared out the window, then at the phone in his hand. He threw it against the wall and slipped out of the chair onto the floor, holding his head in his hands. Love made him weak, and had paid the price.

It wasn’t worth it.


End file.
